fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
