Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
