I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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