were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
