We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
