did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
