I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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