i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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