I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
