I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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