I can't breathe out the right side of my face
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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