i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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