I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
