My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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