On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
