my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
