My nipple is on Facebook.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
