I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
