yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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