also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
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Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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