I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
