i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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