im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
