I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
