so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My ass is underappreciated
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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