so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
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Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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