i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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