I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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