I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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