someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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