You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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