Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
