I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
