Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
