There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
