Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
