I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Everyone says I win the strip club
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
