My underwear smells like fireworks.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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