I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They took my balls.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
