Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
