I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I'm really busy with my period
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