So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
