the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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We left an ass print on the piano.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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