i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
