THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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