I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
