i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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