drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
