i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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