Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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