Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
