Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
