That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
