There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
