matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
